Scissorsboi

Painting and sketching and.. chairs. Oh my.

2010-07-08T02:55:00.002+01:00

So instead of a traditional blog, I thought I'd do one to keep people coming back, it'll be a constantly 'updated' one which will show how I paint a new.. painting. Boring? Well for you art fans, it'll show you how unconventional my techniques are compared to the 'correct' way which everyone is taught.

Ah, it's my technique that meant I didn't really get on with my art teacher. That and she hated men. Stay tooned, I'll have an update tomorrow/today/whatever it is if it's 3am when I write this. Today. Ok, good. Toodles

Ps. No chairs will be involved. Oh also, I will write a normal blog too, don't panic uncultured ones.

Love to all, hate to some, effort for me. xx

Talkin' 'bout blah, blah, blah.

2010-05-25T17:27:00.003+01:00

So yes, I've finally written something new here. It took so long mainly as I just couldn't be fucked to write anything new here. But here is something new(ish) here.

So, Ke€ha has continued to release absolutely abysmal "songs", and by songs I mean she takes pretty much the same choon as she used in "TikTok" and talk something new over it. Not sing, talk. Here is a breakdown of her latest masterpiece. Blah, Blah, Blah.

"Coming out your mouth with your blah, blah, blah."
This is a very long winded way of saying "you're talking." Which, ironically, is what she is doing.

"Zip your lips like a padlock"
When did anyone ever see a padlock that had a zip? What shit padlock that would be. "Where's my bike?" "Oh yeah, that tramp unzipped the padlock and rode off with it. You really should invest in a key.." "Yeah, my button up front door isn't too secure either.."

"and meet me at the back With the jack and the jukebox."
The back of where? And is this the same Jack that you brushed your teeth with in TikTok?

"I don't really care where you live at, just turn around boy and let me hit that."
We're what, 4 lines into this song and she's already told a potentially homeless person that she'll hit that. What a sell out!

"Don't be a little bitch with your chit-chat,"
Oh, ok. It's a girl she's been talking to! Sorry, chit-chatting at.

"Just show me where your dick's at."
WHAT?! Sorry.. lets just look at that line one more time. Yes, she definately does say that. God, what a whore. Plus, she should know where his dick is at if she's done basic biology. uman biology of course, flowers don't have dicks.

"Music Starts."
Yes, she actually says this in the song too. She informs people listening to her music, that the music has started. This is kinda reminiscent of her telling people what their body parts do.

"Listen hot stuff, I'm in love"
Well, I suppose that's a little bit romantic.. kinda.

"With this song."
Oh, wait no. She's in love with her own, what can be loosely called a 'song'. Her modesty never ends.

"So just hush baby shut up. Heard enough."
I like how she starts with hush baby, which is almost cute. But then she just tells him to shut up. I assume she hasn't heard her own voice yet, or she'd wanna shut up too. Maybe the aforementioned 'dick' what she be looking for would shut her up. If placed in her mouth. And replaced with a taser.

"Stop ta-ta-talking that, blah blah blah"
Oh. I thought she was the one talking? How strange..

"Think you'll be getting this? Nah, nah, nah."
Seriously, she just asked to see my dick earlier! What a headfuck!

"Not in the back of my car-a-ar-ar."
Haha, she sounds like a pirate. Also, she can't drive a car, she's talentless. And it's covered in the record producers she had to slaughter to get the contract on this album.

"If you keep talking that blah-blah-blah-blah-blah."
Her ability to write deep and meaningful lyrics astounds me. Look at the use of the language there.

"Boy come on get your rocks off,"
Jeez, she just said that I wouldn't get it in the back of her car-a-ar-ar, I was talking that blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. I'm never gonna get my rocks off, she's just a tease.

"Come put a little love in my glove box."
I saw a documentary on channel 5 once about a man who was caught shagging his car. Is this what she means? Or just she just have a fanny so prolapsed that it needs a door?

"Wanna dance with no pants on. (Holler)"
I assume that this is the America version of pants, and not that she's just flashing her fanny with door? Also, she does say holler here, like she's happy that she's naked on behalf of everyone.

"Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox."
Again, she's back on the JD, hopefully with coke. Or maybe she's now wearing Jack Wills?

"So cut to the chase kid. 'Cos I know you don't care what my middle name is."
Don't call me a kid. You're the one acting like a total flap head. Also. Your middle name is "dollar". Ke-dollar-ha.

"I wanna be naked, and you're wasted."
You're so fucking classy.

Now she repeats her lazy lyrics chorus. You know, that blah-nah-car-a-ar-ar part-art-art. Then it goes onwards to the 3Oh!3 part, which I was gonna overlook, but I've decided to go at it, purely for some also terrible lyrics..

"You be delayin', you won't be sayin' some shizz."
For all of you who thought that Ke£ha's lyrics were poor, this is what 3Oh!6 treat us to;

"You say I'm playin', I'm not layin' that bitch."
Ah, so we're all in agreement now. No one is sleeping with anyone, Quiche-a has been leading someone on, who doesn't even wanna sleep with her!

"Sayin' blah-blah-blah, 'cos I don't care who you are."
Also, doesn't seem to care for the letter 'n'.

"In this bar, it only matters who I is."
Ha! Oh this sentence is just terrible. It only matters who I is? There wasn't even a need for 'is' instead of 'am'. It's not like it enhanced a rhyme! Just being 'cool' and failing. Failing I say!

Anyway, after an extended "issssssssssssssssss" with a vocal changed to not a human voice, Kipper sings the chorus again-ain-ain.

Then again.

And once more for luck.

Then, thankfully, the song ends. What the hell is her issue? Has no one told her that she doesn't sing in her songs? Why is she such a total slut? Which music censor said this crude song would be suitable for the radio?

All of these questions, and more will be answered never. However, I'm sure I'll get another go at ripping her 'moosacks' to pieces with her latest song.. something to look forward to.

I'll do another one of the random photo blogs soon.

Love to all, hate to some, Ke$ha's glovebox for me. xx

Things What I Have On My Phone (pt1)

2010-02-20T02:24:00.006Z

Ok, I've decided to start an ongoing topic. I take photos of things I find funny when I'm out and then show no-one. So, using that logic, I shall instead show everyone! Each update blog will have 3 photos along with witty comments/observations/whatever is relevant to the picture. I've got some really weird stuff, and I shall start it off with this little beauty:

This is graffiti I found in the toilet of RSVP in Woking (that sounds quite seedy, like I'm George Michael about to tell a copper to play with my Careless Whisper), it clearly shows both the intellect of the local voters and the fantastic spelling ability of - what I assume is - Palin voters. If we play the over analysing game, then there are a few glaringly obvious points raised, such as why would I care about this if I'm drunk, how relevant is it really considering I have no vote in the US elections of past, let alone 2012. Why can't this person spell Palin correctly, or maybe Pakin is a new candidate I overlooked whilst not really caring about the election last time. Then finally, who is PA MOOT? The father of MOOT Jr? Maybe the 'PA' is an attempt at spelling Palin correctly, but the person just gave up hope and gave in to vomiting on the floor like the rest of the chavs did? What have we learnt? Well, bars are not the place to graffiti political views, especially if you are a drunk moron. Moving on..

I found this in Harrods of all places, the store known for it's top quality products - including "my son the tranny" fashion kits. I realise that it has the magical Twilight word on it (apparently you can get that Twilight Angel look - not related to the film, but hey, the word will surely make every hollow soul 12 year old girl weak at the knees. Just throw in a "Edward" for good measure and you've got a sale), but believe it or not.. that is a girl. Yes, hold your gasps people! The chimp in boys skin and girls hair is a girl. The product itself seems to just be a pen that draws on the expensive clothes mummy bought downstairs for you, along with the silk screener of course! Just take another look at the picture, that 'grrl' has strange, I assume fake, hair, her head isn't attached to her neck in any way, and what's with the evil eyes? She is not rockin' the product, more the marrow in my bones. In case you couldn't tell, I didn't buy this product. It just seemed too.. normal.. for me.

And finally, we come to this stunner of a movie. It is not porn as you may expect, it was on Film4 at about 2.30pm a week or so ago. Fanny By Gaslight is a classic movie where the.. someone does something, and that other thing happens. Ok, so I didn't watch it. I laughed at the name, took a photo and then moved on to re-runs of Dragons Den on Dave+1 (+1 because Freeview won't fucking pick up Dave in my room, pointless knowledge there). I want to know who honestly thought this was a wise name for a film, I personally imagine it being about a rather lovely maid in a mansion called 'Fanny', or as we shall call her to avoid using the word 'Fanny' anymore, 'Lady F', wandering the house at night with a Gaslight, being lit in an equally lovely flickery orange shade. Except it's in black and white, so for all we know, Lady F could be holding a strobe and the crew are having a jolly ol' rave. For those of you who want to see the film, it's currently available at no good retailers for the respectable price of £0, because no one appears to believe that it exists. This film however must have been better than one I did watch called "The Leaving Man" where there was a man, who was always seen leaving.. I mean really, the 1930's churned out some absolutely gripping stuff.

Until next time, I shall leave you to ponder the 3 photos of weird and come to your own conclusions of their relevance in this world. I already have 2 lined up, both of which at TV show references (I see you TV Burp and Two Pints), I need the 3rd and you can enjoy another trip into the Twilight Zone of odd. Although the Twilight Zone was kinda odd too.. but not as odd as The Prisoner was.

Love to all, hate to some, vote Pakin for me! xx

Tik Wot?

2010-02-12T02:50:00.005Z

It's 2.50am, and I can't sleep. So I'm eating Jaffa Cakes, watching ANTM Cycle 1 and sitting on a big blue exercise ball. So why not go the full hog on the gay-o-meter and write a blog. So this is a blog.

And the blog shall be on the lyrics to Tik Tok by Ke$ha.. did you know that it makes pretty much no sense? To the analysis machine..

"Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)"

Ok, so lets begin with the fact that Ke$ha wakes up and feels like a criminal rapper? Then to top it, he's in the room watching her sleep and comments as soon as she wakes up? A good start..

"Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city (Lets go)"

It's wise to grab your glasses, and Diddy is going too. It's nice to take friends, however if you've just woken up you might want to freshen up, you know, freshen up. And don't you know freshen up? You've got to freshen up..

"Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack'"
Oh good, you did freshen u- wait, you brushed your teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels? Did you use it as paste, or an actual toothbrush? That's not right.

"Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back"

That's wonderful, but you've just woken up, remember - "wake up in the morning", I think you said that you felt like P Diddy?

"I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes"
This is normal.

"Trying on all our clothes, clothes"
I suppose it's normal, however you have left and you're not coming back, so I hope you took all the clothes with you..

"Boys blowing up our phones, phones"
Exploding phones are available, but not recommended due to ear based injuries.

"Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs"
Ah, the humble CD, she is a clever girl this Ke$ha (pronounced 'Kesh-ah'), does anyone else feel a bit dodgy downloading an album - if it's deleted you don't have a hard copy!

"Pulling up to the parties"
..then being turned away because you've got P Diddy with you.

"Trying to get a little bit tipsy"
Only trying, and only tipsy. I suppose "definately gonna get wasted" would be giving out a non-PC message. What with the 'in 4 years I'll be going to parties and getting my stomach pumped' adverts on TV at the moment.

"Don't stop, make it pop,"
Well, if she is only drinking pop then she won't even get tipsy.

"DJ, blow my speakers up"
Exploding speakers are the cousins of exploding phones.

"Tonight, I'mma fight' Til we see the sunlight"
Is I'mma a word? Or maybe she's watching someone called I'mma have a fight? "Ooh I'mma, the pancakes are a'burnin'.." "No problem dahlin', let me just smack the funk out of this Keshaa bitch".

"Tick tock on the clock"
Never park your car on a meter, the clock will run out and the party will stop.

"But the party don't stop, no"
No, trust me, when you get a fine you won't have the money to keep partying.

"Don't stop, make it pop. DJ, blow my speakers up. Tonight, I'mma fight. 'Til we see the sunlight. Tick tock, on the clock. But the party don't stop, no."
Just the chorus again, again, and then some "oh oh, a whoa!" noises.

"Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer"
I want the next line to be "but I've got a failed liver.."

"Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here"
..oh. She's skint too.

"And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger"
Yes.. you're skint, the dudes are lining up, I think someone is whoring themselves out. But it's ok, swagger is just code for "chlamydia".

"But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger"
Yes, because Mick Jagger is gorgeous. Clearly. Would you kick Brad Pitt to the curb? No. No you wouldn't. He'd pay a lot!

"I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk"
Not tipsy anymore? You're getting crunk? Oh ok..

"Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk"
Yes, now when it's not in the song does anyone else read this as Keshaa admitting that she's got man parts? I do. It's therefore fact.

"Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk"
I wouldn't do this. P Diddy will tell you what happens in jail. It's not pretty, you go in bad, and come out all Paris Hilton loves the Bible.

"Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out"
This will be a lot faster if you go around hitting your Mick Jaggers. And what's with the repeating words? Do you have very severe Alzheimer's?

"Or the police shut us down, down. Police shut us down, down."
So, it's not your party. And you'll be the one getting them shut down if you don't stop the fighting.

"Po-po shut us."
Who called the Police the "po-po"? It sounds like a Russian dancing bear.

"Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up, Tonight, I'mma fight', Til we see the sunlight. Tick tock on the clock, But the party don't stop, no. Don't stop, make it pop. DJ, blow my speakers up. Tonight, I'mma fight'. Til we see the sunlight. Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no."
Blah blah, heard it all before.

"DJ, you build me up,"
..buttercup on your playlist? Can you play it.. baha..that's.. that's my friend she's.. she's.. like a total WHORE! Haha.. yes, I'm not just tipsy. I'm Crunk! - Actual conversation overheard last time Ke£ha was at the club.

"You break me down"
JENGA!

"My heart, it pounds"
This isn't really a lyric, it's the same as saying "my lungs, they inflate", or "my kidneys, filter pee". It's just a bit of a pointless biology lesson.

"Yeah, you got me, With my hands up"
Well that's what happens if you hang about with P Diddy. And have fights. And get crunk. You get arrested. Silly bitch.

"You got me now"
"In my jail cell"

"You got that sound"
Ah, the dulcet tones of the siren..

"Yeah, you got me"
At this point, she hasn't really got ANYTHING. She runs out of lyrics and just repeats the chorus and this DJ Jenga bridge part repeatedly..

So, there we go. Tik Tok, is a song full of utter non-sensical bullshit. Now, Jaffa Cakes have gone to the land of stomach, which if being sung by Ke€ha would be "my stomach, it digests". Now, I must depart to the land of sleep (my bed, it's cosy), and recharge my batteries (my battery, it's empty).

Love to all, hate to some, P Diddy in my room, room. xx

And the demon is..

2009-11-29T10:32:00.006Z

..this is kinda a small blog just to explain what I think the demon in Paranormal Activity really is. But first, let me just make this clear..

KINDA MOVIE SPOILERS TO FOLLOW

I've been doing some thinking, and I'm gonna settle not with some humanoid Buffy style demon. Oh no, I've decided it is infact a.. velociraptor. Look at it logically, the footprints are big bird style (not like Sesame Street, as in an actual large bird), and we all know that birds are just tiny velociraptors. Also they have 3 talons, and we've all seen the Jurassic Park logo with the 3 talon slash through it. The kids in the kitchen learn that velociraptors can blow air into your face.. and what happened to Katie? That's right.. she got air in the face. Is everyone seeing my logic now?

Of course, there's no explaination for ouija board or the attic photo, or the person shaped shadows on the door, but speaking of doors, didn't we also see them open kitchen cabinet doors in Jurassic Park? They can open and close doors! The chandelier swinging? He just knocked it with his tail whilst bending over, and lets face it, raptors aren't know for their delicate ballet ability, so the loud bangs? It's just knocking stuff over, it's a big creature in a tiny house! Now my logic here makes sense. Katies screams? She's just talking raptor! Don't deny it, if we overlook the massive fact that the shadow isn't dino shaped, it's amazingly accurate!

Paramount are allegedly working on a sequel already, so will that be Paranormal Activity 2: The Lost World?

Love to all, hate to some, angry dinosaurs! xx

Movie Reviews. Simple.

2009-10-21T17:25:00.010+01:00

..and so recently I've been watching a lot of new movies, so I thought I'd mouth off about the good, the bad, and the downright hideous. Let me just put on my Jonathan Ross hat. It doesn't fit.

So, this was a film which had a trailer which I always thought was a bit naff. They tagged it onto everything they released, and it just never struck a cord with me. Then the amazing words "Disney Digital 3D" appeared, and collided with my 3D loving phase, so I went to see it. Thankfully.

The film is really good, it's a mix of adventure (a lot more adventure than I thought would be in it, which was a nice change from the recent plots I've seen), humour and amazing visuals. Literally stunning, I don't know how it'd look in 2D, but with the comedy glasses on, some scenes looked like the view from a plane window. The first 20 minutes or so (in a way similar to Wall-E) have very little dialogue but show some serious emotions! I was unexpectedly taken off guard by it, expecting it to be a comedy all the way through, something which really helped to boost the film. Overall, the film was sound, the villain was hateable, the hero was likeable, Kevin and Dug were cute comedy sidekicks and Russell looked suspiciously like a squashed Michael Macintyre. I can't really praise the film enough, it was a total surprise to me and is a definate DVD buy. Fact.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

What the hell was this film!? I'll tell you, it felt like 2 wasted hours. The trailer may look like some beautiful CGI fest, but unfortunately whilst the visuals ARE stunning (for about 15 minutes of the film) the plot left a lot to be desired. From what I could see there were about 5 storylines mixed in to one, with countless other parts where a subplot was started and then lost in the flurry of poor writing.

Heath Ledger was brilliant at salvaging a character from the plot, as were his many incarnations (I think his death may have resulted in the plot being twisted to fit, which may explain the lack of it for the most part). The idea of a mirror which apparently takes souls is kinda weak as it is, it is even more confused by the visuals of a dark and gritty London which is verging on Steampunk and appears to play no part in the "Imaginarium" mentioned. I wouldn't advise seeing this film if you don't want to have to think, or if you're not a pre-existing Terry Gilliam fan. I'm debating a DVD purchase, if only for the fantasy shoes scene and Johnny Depp's amazing monologue about death. This film is far from amazing, far from good even. I've seen worse, but if a friend asked I wouldn't recommend it. Probably not to anyone.

Zombieland

Surprise hit for me, even moreso than Up was. There was something that grabbed me in the trailer, like a Shaun of the Dead, in a theme park, with added blood. The film didn't dissapoint, there were one or two scary parts, a lot more hilarious parts and possibly the best cameo ever. So the plot here was also pretty non-existant, but it wasn't a film which needed one. As long as you can understand that zombies all need to be double tapped then that's pretty much the film. Weirdly, the best part of this film was the needing to read, when a rule would come up on the screen, only to be shortly smashed by a zombie, or shot, or cut in half, or slammed into a door, or hit by a truck or, you get the idea.

Infact, I'm gonna describe this as a Juno meets Napoleon Dynamite meets 28 Days Later. That's right, some horrendous mash up of movies there, but it works, it's easy to watch, it's fun and it takes itself about as seriously as people take five News. A definate DVD buy, I assume there'll be many hilarious special features on it too, comedy zombie films love them. My one gripe was the fact that with one switch the whole of the theme park turned on and began operation, but that's a little nerdy obsession there.

Coraline

And finally. I thought I'd stick this in here because I bought it recently and the 3D effects worked at home. The film looks amazing, gotta love a bit of stop motion with a creepy story! Highlight of the film is the explaination as to why the cat can talk in the other world; "I just can ok". Brilliantly put! Take that un-nessacary plot points in Imaginarium! I'm glad people still persevere with stop motion if only for little gems like this - Fantastic Mr Fox maybe not, the trailer doesn't look like there's that much care put into it, filmed for style rather than artisticness - that and they've made him American, which is just wrong. So yes..

..those were my film reviews. They were probably totally gripping. I think I'll not do another of these in the future.. if I hadn't just typed this all out I'd not have even started. I put pictures in though!

Love to all, hate for some, Oscars for me. xx

Sandcastles and Snowmen

2009-10-01T20:30:00.004+01:00

This is a blog about respect.

Basically I was thinking about this for a while, when we're on the beach, we see an abandoned sandcastle and (after checking that no one is around to claim it) we give it a little kick and destroy the tiny fortress. But if you walk down the street and come across a lonely looking snowman you wouldn't dream of pushing it into the gutter. Is it because it's wearing clothing? Maybe because it has a face? Why do we treat the cold creation differently from the shaped pile of sand?

I guess it has to do with the fact that there are always people around the snowman, he's standing in a crowd of protection, just waiting for his natural demise. The sandcastle however is often left alone, and therefore it's fair game! It's kinda fun to destroy a castle - lets face it, we're not exactly Norman conquerors these days, it's as close to invading a castle as we'll ever get! So I guess it's got nothing to do with the fact that in reality a sandcastle is made by a child, as snowmen are the same, perhaps at the beach we feel like we're on holiday so can get away with being obnoxious (just like if we go to a non-English speaking country and we shout at the locals) but if we're in the town we're in business mode?

Or maybe, we just prefer snowmen! Who knows. But yeah, equal rights for sandcastle protection!

So anyway, I started to think about this after reading the word "snowman" in David Levithan's new novel Love Is The Higher law, it's about 9/11 and coping afterwards, not in a "woe is me" but in a "9/11 happens in the background, here's the story of someone not involved". I'd advise everyone to read his novels, they're guaranteed feel good stories. So yep, thats the reason behind my snowman/sandcastle logic, it's a good thought though isn't it! Bet you went "yeah that's true, it's because they've got faces" when you first read it.

And as I'm talking about respect, I'd like to point out that when I say Snowman, I really mean "snowperson". Equality to all!

Love to all, hate to some, bucket and spade for me. xx

The Littlest Things

2009-09-15T22:53:00.003+01:00

Yes, I shamelessly stole the title from Lily Allen. So shoot me. Please don't though, I don't react well to pain.

Basically, I've noticed some weird things recently, the first happened in KFC a few days ago, now, I don't know about you, maybe it's not that weird. But I order using the least words possible, par examplé: "Can I have a twister meal with diet Pepsi please." Simple, to the point. It would appear that when dressed in a suit, and aiming to project this image of professionalism you must order it word for word on the menu, par examplé again: "Hi, yeah, er, can I please have a toasted twister with salsa meal, with fries and a medium diet coke please." Knock knock, TOO MANY WORDS. They know the product they prepare every day, I referred to the new menu item as a "Caesar roller", and his suited, booted and fruited (he may have had an apple, who knows), friend asked for a "spicy Caesar roller wrap" - again, they know the product, and you went and added your own word there didn't you. LOOK AROUND. You're not in the stuffy office anymore with your holy boss looming over you like global warming does over Bill Gates' house, no, you're in KFC with the rest of us deep fried grease lovers ordering unhealthy food that we justify as being healthy by using the little bit of salad in each meal as a portion of 5 a day. You're unhealthy, lower your standards. And if you must be all businessy, then enquire as to why they offer nothing for the veggies.

Also, I've noticed these weird posters on trains at the moment, about Clown Doctors. Now, I'm sorry, but if I was ill in hospital and I parted my heavy eyes, pushed through the pain, and instead of seeing the blurred image of my parents coming into view, I saw a clown. I'd a) need a nurse to clean up the fact that I'd probably shit myself, and b) worry slightly about the quality of the care I was in. I'm sure I'm missing something here, and that loads of research has gone into things like this, maybe it makes kids enjoy hospital more, but when someone introduces themselves as "Dr Lulu McDoo" who's profile says that she "sprang fully-grown from her father's sporran" (I'm not making this up, bear with me), and that she was then "passed through the family like chicken pox until she was finally settled with a maiden aunt who gave her the freedom of the porridge drawer", I'd worry a little about what was going to happen to me. Would I too be forced into Dr Ludoo's fathers skanky sporran? Does he like to prey on the young and injured? Like a clown father black widow? Just weird.. No, actually I get why they've gone down that route, it's funny, kids will ignore the pain. But on the train.. it just looks.. creepy. "I'm afraid you've broken your hip Sonny Jim, but no worries, here's Dr Glitter to ease the pain!".

My final little niggle is that the girl on the MASSIVE Tesco photo on the side of Tesco (surprise surprise!) is pulling this horrible, almost pained expression that I look at everytime I walk past, and think to myself, 'that's just not a nice photo of her'. Tesco is like a quadrillion pound business, surely they could afford a few extra snaps of this family photo? It's just annoying, quality please Clubcard Kingdom. Not scary kids.

That's about it for now, except for Lady Gaga totally rocked VMA's (granted it's pretty much all of it I've watched so far, but still), I know people don't like her, think she's up herself, but with a live performance like that, managing to sing (hint hint Ms Spears) and put on a show that impressive how can you not like her! She's some sort of boy girl man beast pop princess slayer. Wonders never cease! That's affectionate gender bending allegations there Lady GG. Affectionate.

Love to all, hate to some, Twister meal for me. xx

Summer Lovin'

2009-09-01T18:53:00.010+01:00

Sorry for the delay, only just got some sit down time to write here. Firstly I'll just start by saying one thing, I love how people in England react to the weather, I say this because this morning it was sunny, kinda warm and had a clear sky. Because of this it appeared that most people (myself included) decided that "yep, lets soak up the sun" and only put on shorts and a tshirt. Now. This is England, where the weather has before gone from heatwave to blizzard in the space of a week, it is unpredicatable at the best of times, let alone coming into Autumn. At about half past 2, it decided to absolutely piss it down, the Nile went on holiday and visited Staines. It was that wet. But, do people get put off by this? Hell no! They've put on shorts and they'll be damned if a little bit of rain will make them change into jeans.

This is wonderful. I saw a woman in flip flops, hot pants and a bikini top trying desperately to put an umbrella up. Then the wind blew and it turned itself inside out. This ridiculous image is true, and it's fantastic that it happens. She also dropped her shopping into a puddle, I mean honestly, how unprepared are we for our own weather, but do we care? No. We are tough!

The rain also totally destroyed some pretty good artwork, which may have been graffiti, but it was good anyway. On my way past in the dry I thought, thats pretty cool, on the way past in the wet I thought, hmm, that puddle has a funny colour to it. Ok, so that wasn't that funny an observation, but you had to be there.

Oh, and before I go or forget, you know I said about the weird wallaby last time.. here's the photo. I mean, what the hell happened to it? Why is it like this?! As if albino wasn't odd enough, it's got a crater in it's stomach. I wish there were more odd animals in the world that I could photograph, maybe a rhino with a tiny washing line between the two horns? Ok, thats not gonna happen is it. I'll shut up now. Turtle with a door in one of it's scales on the shell? No. Ok.

So for now, I shall sign off, but I'm sure I'll find something strange to write about soon. I hope. Maybe. Oh, actually, I'll embed the I Breathe Again video from Adam Rickitt here, just so I can watch it, ah.. the 90's.. cheesy and camp.

Love to all, hate to some, shorts for me. xx

Surrealism

2009-08-18T20:58:00.009+01:00

Those of you who have been paying attention will probably notice that I often go off on tangents mid flow. The weird part is that this seems to affect my life too, I'll be walking along and something odd will happen or just pop out of nowhere to distract me. This whole topic kinda came out of the fact that I was trawling through photos and discovered that I've taken photos of lots of these weird occurrences. I realise most of these are art based (this random giant inflatable apple for example) so they're allowed to be a little bit strange, but still. I was having a totally normal conversation whilst walking through Covent Garden when all of a sudden I'm distracted by this freakish sight in the window going "hey look at me, I'm a big fuck off apple" and then my brain goes "well this is weird, is it real or have I started to imagine things again?". But who would put an apple in a window?! There wasn't even a description as to what it was doing there, see how it confuses me?!

And this? Why the hell is there a massive orange plug socket on the wall?! Is it the institute of electricity? I kinda hope it is, that'd be quite cool. I do like the arty side of these things, it's nice that you can be strolling along and all of a sudden something strange is there and you stop and go "oh, well.. yes I'll accept this for being something unusual. Now, where's the nearest Starbucks?". I suppose it makes the building a bit more interesting (I'm a bit of an architecture fan, I like to think that I could design some amazing mansion, however, as I can only afford Sims 3 I don't see them being real anytime soon), I mean look at it. Grey, concrete, the little trees kinda help a bit, but otherwise that'd be a really depressing building to come across! Interestingly there's now a massive light switch at Piccadilly Circus, it's like London is really some sort of giants house. Or maybe not.

Right now I'm distracted by the fact that on Big Brother someone just said "you did a poo and a worm came out?". See how easily my mind gets confused? Oh my God, now they just said "waspsquito".. what the hell, is this show designed to mess with my head now? I'm gonna have to leave this topic until some other time before I splatter brain goo everywhere by overloading it. Don't worry though, I have more weird photos to show, including a wallaby with a very saggy pouch..

Love to all, hate to some, headaches! xx

Wild and Bushey

2009-08-15T18:55:00.004+01:00

Ever have one of those days where you wake up, fall out of the shower with your eyes still closed (just hoping for the last few minutes of sleep), and now you're ready to get dressed and.. where the hell has all your underwear gone?! All of mine went missing yesterday morning. All of it bar 1 pair of boxers. How does that happen? At night, does the pants fairy come along and steal them? No. Of course not, fairies don't exist, let alone pants based ones. It's the elves.

So, having put on my last pair of boxers (I still haven't found the others, and I apologise for the imagery), I decided to go to buy some - I am a lowly fashonista so Primani awaited me at the end of my journey. I know I know, but it's only everyday underwear, not going out stuff, so it's allowed to cheap and tacky by my book. Boy is it tacky, the stuff I bought would put Andy Warhol mixed with LSD into the "looks kinda normal" category. This is full blown neon splattered, skull and crossbones, I grew up in Hounslow material. My mum doesn't like it. So anyway, crisis now averted (plus I got some new bed sheets for added shopping excitement) I headed home, firstly via McDonalds (I'm determined to get all the free glasses this time around, not that I'm a terrible, terrible fatty..), and secondly via Bushey Park, it was there that the fun began.

Now, I say fun, I mean humiliation of the tourists - why would you visit Bushey Park I hear you cry! Well, for the deer of course, grazing freely in the large open fields (always near the car park I've noticed). I mean apart from in a zoo, in the woods, in Windsor Great Park and many other locations, where else can you see a real life deer! Ok, so I don't see the appeal myself, but I did grow up with it so maybe I'm immune to their antlered charms. Anyway, the fun happened when a Japanese family tried to take a photo surrounded by the little blighters, it looked good to start with, then the deer got bored and walked away. So the family followed. The deer moved. Family followed. Deer Moved. Followed. Moved. You get the idea, the family ended up with about ten photos of them amongst lovely open spaces, but none with the deer. Isn't it brilliant when nature amuses you without meaning to? I am easily amused though, anyway, I then went home. That part isn't so exciting.

So yeah, that is the end of my wondrous story about pants and animals. Oh, and I got stung by a wasp earlier, the little shit waited on my arm for a good minute before making it's decision to inject it's arse poison. Bastard, I hope it gets swine flu.

Love to all, hate to some, poison in my arm. xx

I Should Be So Lucky

2009-08-15T01:49:00.000+01:00

Bonjour my petit kiddywinks! I'd just like to clarify now, that in calling you kiddywinks I am not labelling myself as a creepy child loving crone, a patronising old queen, or.. the Child Catcher from Chitty Bang Bang. I'm just a normal, loving, ginger weirdo. Got it? Good.. moving on!

So, the reason for the title is that for once I actually met someone on a night out, a shock I know! I never do that, in the history of the last 2 legally able to go clubbing years (plus the non-legal ones, illegal would be the right word I suppose) I have never once pulled, nor found someone who is thigh rubblingly nice. That has changed! Actually, thinking about it, I met some dude called Quentin in Oceana when I was 18 (yes, I know, Quentin.. unfortunate), his name started off a bit weird, as did his introduction. He basically just came up whilst I was drunkenly propping myself up against a bannister, held my hand and informed me that I was the fittest one there. Now, those of you who have seen me in my very drunk stage of the evening will be able to confirm that when I hit the need for railings as stabilisers, I am far from the fittest, infact I'd go as far as to say that the pygmy hippo at London Zoo is fitter. And probably more understandable. So anyway, I got this dudes number, and surprise! When he didnt have his beer goggles on, I'm a minger. Which is totally backwards to the situation, as I am the fittest in Oceana in the day, purely for the fact that I'm the only one in Oceana in the day.

History lesson has ended. Last night whilst in an undisclosed bar in and undisclosed town which has a martian in it (if that helps anyone figure it out..) I actually met a cute guy, who seemed to be interested in me. Weird. It kinda threw me, I've had 2 years of grinding girls (I'm a bender by the way, just thought I'd clarify that now) and now that a boy shows interest my braincells went

"Mayday mayday! We don't know how to make your limbs match the contours of a boobless body!"

..I gave it a go at least. A little bit of awkward waist holding, a brief holding of hands in the "lets go to the bar" portion of the night. Small steps! Those of you who are unlucky enough to get my first hand relationship talks will know that I usually go in all guns blazing, the poor unfortunate soul gets so scared that their spleen explodes, they go to hospital and I never hear from them again. So this time I'm going slow, I've decided. The hospital bills are too much for me at the moment. But seriously taking it slow, I'm not gonna deny, I had a bit of a lip based kiss, a kiss which did throw up a weird situation actually. Basically in a bar which is generally accepted to be a bit of a straight bar where the boys go cruising for a bit of the fishy Ferrari, me and my new beau found ourselves waiting in the same queue for the toilet - fact of life number 1; most gays will only use cubicles due to urinals increasing the risk of inappropriate willy gazing. But in this queue - we didnt plan to go together, it was an unexpected rendéz vous - I informed him that I had to leave, and went in for a bit of a lip lock, as I pulled away a chav pushed me forwards a little. Instantly my mind went, "oh God, he's gonna call me a big poof and I'm getting a black eye as a present." But no, much the opposite, he simply went, "when you guys are done mind moving forwards, I can't see the mirror and I wanna make sure I look good for the gash".

Ok, so he's not the classiest of the chavs, but it would appear that people accept the odd gay kiss in the odd situation. That or he was so pissed he thought the recipient of my kiss was a girl.. I hope not! So here's the deal, I'm gonna see how it goes with this guy (slowly of course), and I'll let you know here - no names for the time being, wanna be safe and not look like a broadcasting to the world stalker before it goes anywhere, if it goes anywhere that is! Until then (then being tomorrow, I have a story about the deer today in Bushey Park to tell you all), I shall depart to my child catching van with my collection of free candy for all..

Love to all, hate to some, chav acceptance for me. xx